my will for when i die
except i have nothing to my name but your love.
it’s only when i feel my blood pulsing within me, and feel the warmth of my cheeks, that i realize my heart is not merely beating but that i exist in this moment of time and that i will one day cease to exist
i have come to love this earth the way a soul aches for a body. one can not exist without the other. The sun, the warmth of its touch. Soil and what it provides us, flowers, wheat, vegetables. The trees and the oxygen they let out for us to breathe in, i love it all so painfully
And so i thought why don’t i make a little piece expressing my love for everyone within this beautiful planet, because truthfully speaking i can cease to exist at any time and to think that i can miss out the chance to be truthful with how i feel is scary as i love my friends & family to such an extent that i sometimes cant even begin to express my feelings nor gratitude. and so here are a few honourable mentions (if you’re on this list you’ve likely impacted my life greatly and i’m forever grateful for your existence, i love every part of you so dearly and i can’t wait to see you grow into the wildflower i know so surely that you are)
(this list is not written in order)
my baby sister, you were born during my most chaotic years, your small frame and large eyes gave my life purpose in ways i never imagined. Sometimes when i feel unloveable you show me love i never thought i was ever truly worthy of receiving, you are a blessing from God, a child so small yet so emotionally intelligent. You shine in the darkest days and bring my life such huge purpose, without you i’m only a speck of dust in this large world
Mom and Dad, i have never in my life told the two of you that i love you, and for that i’ll forever be sorry because i fear i may never have the courage to utter those precious three words. Love was not a word we often let out in our house, im sure you may understand, but my biggest fear is that you may die someday and i never got to apologise nor thank you for being my parents, as flawed as we all may be our blood is something we just can’t deny
my three loud siblings and best friends, no one, and i truly mean this when i say this. No one understands me the way the three of you do, thank you for being my only friends when i was depressed and awfully alone and for allowing me to be unapologetically myself around you x
IMAS GC: the funniest group chat i have ever been in, this will sound so insane because i have only known these lot through our online classes and gc but they are truly the funniest people i have ever met (honourable mentions: Zahra, Naif, Nik, Alysha, alya, nuha, ahed. Truly the funniest people i have ever met, thank you thank you thank you for increasing my screen time 😭)
my best friend and basically my sister at this point, SARSARARAR. I had at first found you quite jarring cuz you were always with my aunt and i was jealous because i wasn’t with her nearly as much as you were (because you guys live in south africa) but from the minute i saw your little tom boyish self i knew we would be great friends (honourable mention: your entire family, moms side and dads side. You are all such bright people with so much enthusiasm and joy for life i adore each and every one of you)
Fezaa, khadijah, Alizah, Salma : i have so so so so much love for the four of you that my words will never truly EVER express the level of love and gratitude i feel for you incredible women. Pls just know that i will forever be grateful for our friendship and you all hold such a soft spot within my heart x
magdalena. I write your name separately only because you are the only person who i have had multiple fall outs with and STILL remained so close with. You deserve to be shown so much love and i literally want to bawl my eyes out whenever i remember that we’re miles apart. Communication never feels necessary, yk you’ve got me and ik ive got you x
fumbled baddies gc: my incredibly intelligent besties, how is it that we all suffer simultaneously? i do not know. How is it that we all ache in the same way? i do not know. How is it that we all enjoy practically the same things? i do not know. I wish to meet every single one of you someday, you’re all such incredible women and i look up to each and every one of you 💞
my aunts, narjes and fardous. Aka my other sister and other mom you two women have shown me so much love when my own people couldn’t, thank you for showing me warmth when all i was familiar with was cold love
my relatives: I love you all SO MUCH i know at this point i’m practically abusing the word love but you all mean so much to me and i genuinely cannot imagine a world without you guys, you’re all so beautiful and spectacular in your own ways i’ll forever be glad i get to call you guys my family
Grandma and my great grandma😭 you are both the kindest people to have ever existed, the words you let out are always filled with so much wisdom and love for life. I wish to become even just a small fraction of the women you guys were
Sanaa, sidra, Muhammed, Layan: My little angels 🥹 i adore you four so much that id genuinely offer you my organs if i had to. You’re all practically my babies now and i cannot wait to watch you all grow into the greatest individuals
a name i just cannot bring myself to mention: Your significance in my life is truly starting to wither away and i’m beginning to sense that i no longer know you the way i used to and i’m almost a thousand percent sure you’ve started a new chapter in your life, one that will undoubtedly not include me and it’s somewhat bittersweet but i know there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about it, not on my side nor on yours. Thank you for showing me a small percentage of what i now know i’m capable of receiving
balqis: your laugh is the cutest thing ever and your voice is as sweet as honey i love u #10+friendship #beatthatsuckers
ruoqia: fun fact during palfrey i had always wanted to be closer to you although we had already known eachother from primary school, to think we’re now so oddly comfortable w each other and always make the least funniest jokes ever is so insane to me😭 (don’t get gassed) #stayhumble
YOUSEFFFF BRUDAAAAA you are literally me if i was a male. i swear we’re like two peas in a pod. I’m forever grateful for our little friendship and i’m so so so happy you hate the media as much as i do😭
Aisha!!!!! i have watched you grow from this small little girl new to high school to an incredible woman and i am so proud of the person you’re becoming🥹 your heart is truly the purest little thing
SHARONNN MY LIFE. I feel like in comparison to all the love and support you show me THIS IS NOTHING. you always comfort me even when i don’t ask for it, you always know what to say and always keep me in your prayers which is the kindest thing about you🥹 truly have not met a soul kinder than yours x